How I Crawled Out of My Bed

Towards the Sun Day 5

Waking up has never been easy for me. My dreams consume me most of the time and I really enjoy my dreams. They are my playground and my sanctuary. Time is irrelevant and possibilities are limitless.

Maybe that’s why it makes it even harder to wake up when I do not like where I am in the reality.

After losing my job in Amsterdam and having to move back home with my parents, I sank into a dark hole for a month. My January 2022 was brutal for me, mentally. I barely talked to my friends or my family. I trapped myself into a downward spiral and couldn’t see any possibilities for my future.

I felt defeated.

I felt disconnected.

I felt powerless.

My mind was busy grieving for my loss, craving for attention and daydreaming for attachments. It saw no end to my sufferings and no light in my being. Once again, I felt I am stuck.

So I let myself sleep and curled up in my hole. I felt darkness take over and the winter was omnipresent.

“Let winter be winter, and spring be spring.”

Though I succumb to my bleakness, I maintain a few joys in my downtime. Even when they didn’t make me feel productive at the time, I am glad I still keep them in my daily system.

Here’s what I did for myself:

• Reading, just a few pages a day would do
• Meditation videos
• Affirmation videos
• Yoga, a few easy sequences that last less than 10 mins
• Journaling – anything that’s on my mind, freestyle
• Use my Imagination – play with different possibilities in my mind
• Tarot card videos – my guilty pleasure but it was comforting to me
• Music
• Stay present even when it’s painful

They may seem little or ineffective at the time, but it compounds. By taking small actions daily, I was building my sense of control, and shifting from pain to power with the small things I could do for myself.

Thanks to the inner resources and tools I have accumulated over years of self-development, I remained aware and sat with my pain. This time, I am not walking away from myself. I am here, accepting my wholeness. No distraction, just me.

I kept reminding myself that I won’t be feeling like this forever. There are still so many things in my life to be grateful for. I felt it in my heart that if I can be with my mind at my rock bottom, I can flourish anywhere. I let go of every fear and anxiety in my bones. I thanked them and released them.

This, is my heroine’s journey.

This, was the dark night of my soul.

This is how I fall, and every time I fall, I fall higher.