Today is my mother’s suffering day…

That’s what my mom tells me on my birthday every single year. The only difference is that this year, both of my parents added: “ time to get a boyfriend” to the discussion. What a pity that boyfriends don’t grow on trees!

Many asked me about turning 30, it sounded like a big deal. I thought about celebrating my birthday since I never had a birthday party before (my parents didn’t want to stroke my ego) but I ended up doing nothing special. All the pressures and expectations of celebrating this milestone, I felt like New Year's Eve all over again…but nothing changes, I still carry the same self into the new age.

So what’s my “30 before 30” bucket list?

I didn’t have a bucket list. I only knew I wanted to understand who I am and the big question “WHY”. A bucket list adds pressure on top of the societal timeline I am “supposed” to follow. Since my adolescence, I realised my understanding of myself is made of other people’s opinions. Like three blind men trying to know what an elephant looks like, I was doing the same with my existence. So I came up with some general objectives, hoping my life journeys can answer some questions along the way. Fortunately, growing pain helped tremendously, despite the hardships, that came in all forms.

What I learned in my 20s …

• No one has it all figured out. No one can tell you what to do. As Hasan Minaj said, we are all pirates!
• Subtle depression is everywhere
• We are all lonely (from time to time)
• Happiness is a state of mind, and you can’t feel it 24hrs, no matter how hard you tried
• If you feel trapped here, you will feel trapped everywhere….because you cannot leave your mentality at home
• Freedom requires you to make a choice, for letting go of old narratives can be very difficult
• It’s okay to have fears, just don’t let them takes over your driver seat
• Speak up, Speak up, Speak up! You have a voice, so use it. It is great to have an opinion, don’t try to hide your voice just to maintain the so-called “harmony”. It is not real if it crumbles when differences emerged
• Know what you want and express it, or people would never know
• Love hurts, so communication is vital. Don’t replay the scenarios and make assumptions about what the others think, it’s all in your head!
• There are all kinds of relationships, and you never know what is going on behind closed doors
• There’s no such thing as perfection, especially in terms of relationships
• If it is not meant to be, it’s not! It’s better to let it go than letting it drag on…the same problem will always resurface if you don’t address it
• You can aim for the stars while being realistic, just remember to have Plan B!
• It’s okay things don’t work out. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way it is. What matters is how you react to it, give yourself time to heal but don’t dwell on it. Because they could be blessings in disguise! The great thing about life is that you never know what the future holds for you
• Don’t have high expectations of others
• Maybe nothing matters, but that doesn’t mean you should stop caring! You are here now anyway, why not do something about it instead of moping around
• Be kind to yourself and to others…We all have baggage and you never know where they come from and where they are going
• You are good enough. If you don’t feel like it, do something about it
• The universe doesn’t judge and we are all different in our own unique ways
• You are more capable than you give yourself credit for
• Do things at your own pace, everyone is on their own unique journey, there’s no comparison.
• Love hurts, so communication is vital. Don’t replay the scenarios and make assumptions about what the others think, it’s all in your head!
• You are beautiful and you want to share it with the world, so do it. Other opinions don’t matter in self-love
• You can be sexy and cute. You can be a WOMAN and a GIRL or WHATEVER you think you are. Even though I came from an open-minded family and a liberal education, I spend SO MUCH time in my 20s to be comfortable in my skin and to come to terms with my sexuality…. it started with denial, oppression and eventually reconciliation — this part ties to self-expression, daring to speak up and go for what you want and empower oneself! Don’t be ashamed of your true nature!
• Breath and CHILL the FUCK OUT

To conclude, growing pain fucking HURTS. One of the hardest parts for me is saying goodbyes. My mom always told me that life is like a train, people come and go, some people get off at certain stations because it’s time and also to make rooms for new people to come into your life. No hard feelings, it’s just the way it is. I understand…but it is HARD to bid farewells! I invest a lot of emotions and sentiments in my relationships; I go ALL IN. I just don’t want to be so afraid of vulnerability anymore. I want to embrace it all, with my heart and soul, despite how much it might hurt me. Because….

What’s the point of being alive, if you only skim the surface of life?